Tracy McKeague counselling column: Don't forget the parent at Leaving Cert time

With the Leaving Certificate starting today, let’s not forget about the parents.

These are people that are so often overlooked during this stage of a young person’s life. It is stressful being a parent and it comes with no manual. There are many different stages and often when we have mastered one part it’s straight on to the unknown of the next new stage. There are lots of joy in parenting and I will say this at the start because that is very important but the good parts take care of themselves however the hard stuff is often overlooked or not talked about. Why? Simply put, most people think everyone has ‘got’ it and they are the only person feeling the way they are feeling.

There is loneliness in the worrying and stressful parts of parenting because so many parents aren’t comfortable sharing what it’s like for them for fear of judgement of either themselves or their children. For those who share a parental challenge it can be so refreshing and freeing to meet a like-minded person and just talk about it! Sharing is caring, isn’t that what we tell our children but we don’t always share our worries or stresses ourselves!

I remember shortly after my first child was born just having a moment of complete realisation that I was responsible for this little life forever and I felt completely overwhelmed in that moment. Again I ask, where was the manual? Winging it as I went didn’t seem an option but that’s the reality of parenting, we are all learning as we go and often there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in many parenting situations and all too often many parents are too hard on themselves.

I always say that it feels like the guilt chip gets inserted as you leave the maternity ward and a lot of the time there is really no need for it. We are all too hard on ourselves in general in life, parent or not!

How can parents mind themselves? It’s not an easy question and sometimes people struggle to answer it because it’s such an alien concept to put themselves first and that’s often when that dreaded parenting guilt enters the conversation. It’s ok for parent’s well-being to be of equal priority to children.

If we use the analogy of the airline model of parents giving themselves the oxygen mask first so they can be ok to help their children we might see the benefits of putting ourselves as parents in a place of self-care as being important. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed it’s just important to recognise it especially when parenting involves so much juggling, spinning plates or the many other metaphors we can use to describe the many complex demands involved in parenting.

Life can get busy so you might need to stop and check in with yourself. This isn’t always easy in life but sometimes it can only take a few minutes here and there to literally stop and ask yourself (even if not one else) is asking “am I ok?”, notice the signs on your body - it keeps the score when you may not have time to.

Headaches, exhaustion, tearfulness, irritability, the list is endless but don’t ignore what you are feeling. Give yourself breaks and I mean a few times a day for a few minutes each time, that is actually achievable if you prioritise it and your well-being. It is not being selfish, it is recharging your battery. If your mobile phone was only ten percent full you would be reaching for that charger. You matter and if you are taking that five minutes to actually finish a cup of tea or reset yourself it will allow you to be in a better position to parent in the way that you would like to.

Worrying about little and not so little children is never ending but what can be helpful is focusing on the here and now because as a parent there is a never-ending list of ‘what if’ worries, which can be exhausting. This can be particularly helpful with children going through exams and the stress of, what if they don’t pass, what if they don’t get the marks they need, what if it all effects their mental health, all very valid worries but they have a time and a place. If you are going to pack all those worries into your mind all at once you will have a heavy head in more ways than one.

Focus on what’s in front of you, perhaps one exam at a time and how you can support your child for that day or the preparation for the next day and that applies to anything ranging from a big sporting match, a driving test, to difficult break up … ,break it down to bit size chunks both for you and them. Bring in control in a healthy way to situations that might seem beyond your control by asking the child whatever age they are, what can I do to help? “Would you like a hug” “Do you need space?” “Do they need reassurance?” Allow them to tell you if they can. Being heard is very important for everyone.

Sometimes you don’t need to ‘fix’ but just be there for them! This can allow you both to feel empowered, connected and you don’t have to be the expert on every situation simply because you are their parent! It’s ok to not have all the answers but together you might figure it out.

Doing stuff with your child regardless of their age can be a joy, it can release tension, bring about a closeness and help with gratitude. A walk and a talk after exams might just be what is needed for both the child and the parent. Be kind to yourself as your child goes through whatever stage they are at including the often dreaded teen hormone stage. Every day is a learning day for us all and there are no prizes for not showing yourself the love while you parent so mind yourself and that in turn is minding everyone.

Tracy McKeague is a BACP and IACP Accredited Mental Health Counsellor from Culdaff with a private and public counselling practice based in Serenity House Moville. She also promotes sea swimming for mental health and is a great believer in our ability to heal ourselves through support, connection and self-awareness. Counselling available in person from Serenity House Moville, Inishowen F93 Y138 or remotely via zoom/telephone 086 3891917 email:tracymckeague@ yahoo.com, Facebook/instagram @tracymckeaguecounselling