It’s Good To Talk: How to manage loneliness

Loneliness, it’s a tough word and a particularly hard feeling to manage. It’s the one topic that is very likely to bring on tears in my counselling room. It can be hard to cope with the feeling of loneliness and is often a feeling that is pushed away, shut down or not acknowledged. 

There are a few reasons for this, one being it’s too hard to look at or deal with especially if the person isn’t connecting that it is in fact loneliness they are experiencing and secondly there can be a stigma attached to admitting feelings of loneliness 

Unfortunately loneliness is a completely normal part of our life experiences, with many different types and it is important that we look at each type as loneliness isn’t always about being on your own - you can be the life and soul of the room and surrounded by people yet feel extremely alone. 

New-situation loneliness

This can occur at many stages in life right through from starting a new school to heading off to college and trying to make friends while missing the ones you left behind. Then it could be onto a new job where you might feel everyone knows everyone and you are on your own right through to moving to a new area and suddenly feeling very alone without friends and family. It’s important to take the time to see or acknowledge the loneliness. If we name those feelings we can look at addressing them. It might require effort to talk to a stranger and remember all friendships developed by getting to know a stranger. It could be easy to avoid lunch in college or avoid the office canteen or a social event but that will just remove you more from getting to know people.

There are groups, clubs, after school activities, students unions, work events and lots and lots of community stuff now if you are moving to a new area. Go out, talk, say hello, talk about the weather, invite someone for a coffee. It’s far from easy at times but reaching out can help.

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What’s the worst that can happen? We all fear rejection but let’s reframe our thinking - if someone says no, it just simply might not suit at that day or time but do not let it put you off. It will be easier the more you practice putting yourself in situations where connection can happen. Your mind might equate fear with change but not all change is bad and often we can let fear hold us back waiting on people to reach out. That might not always happen, we might have to go looking for that connection at the start. 

No partner loneliness

This loneliness might be from trying to meet someone, having lost someone through breakup, separation, divorce or death. There will be very different experiences of loneliness often mixed with loss or grief. None of them are easy. Looking for a partner can be hard if many of your friends are in relationships. They may socialise less frequently with you when they are in a relationship or are restricted by parenting.

This can have a double knock on effect on the loneliness. You might have to work harder to keep the connection going and it’s important to do so because isolating yourself will not help loneliness and it will not increase your chances of meeting someone romantically if that’s what you want to do. You might have to think outside the box in terms of how to meet people, perhaps with the idea of making more friends that are in a similar position to you and this might even lead onto something developing romantically. This will help too for those trying to find themselves again at the end of a relationship where friends might have drifted. Often during break ups social circles can change and you may need to reinvent or replace them.

These suggestions will be similar for those experiencing loss of a partner through death however grief may play a huge part in people being able to put themselves out there to reconnect with lapsed or new friendships. We often share so much with a partner that it can be common over time (we are talking decades for some) for your circle to have gotten much smaller. Maybe at times it felt like it was just the two of you so that can be a massive loss and create intense loneliness so please be compassionate with yourself if you are currently experiencing this. A gentle approach in this situation may be to allow friends, family and neighbours to provide company and support. It is often readily available immediately after a death and as time moves on people might check-in less. It could be helpful to get into a habit of accepting their company and welcoming it back again or taking it in turns to visit them or even making a telephone call can make a big difference to loneliness. It’s always ok to need support but it’s not always easy to say you need it or want it. If we put emphasis on needing it for our well-being we all might be more likely to keep a check on ourselves that we are getting it. 

‘I am different’ loneliness 

This can take many different forms. If your beliefs and values are completely different to those surrounding you. You may also feel lonely in terms of your physical or intellectual needs. Experiencing different challenges to other people can feel isolating, you might feel unheard or not understood and this can build barriers in terms of connection. Language, race and culture depending on where you are or who you are with can really bring out loneliness.

Remember your feelings are important and need to be honoured so again acknowledge what is happening, how it is really affecting you in terms of thoughts, emotions and behaviours and ask yourself what you can do to make small changes that might make big differences. There are groups, clubs and cultural support in most areas and if you can find some group you really identify with it can be helpful to engage with likeminded people. It’s how friendships start and how loneliness reduces. 

Empty nest loneliness

Life minding a family can be busy, the house is full of noise and there are what seems like a million things to do but then in a blink of an eye it’s just you or you and your partner. Everyone is doing their own thing and you might not have your ‘thing’ because when life was busy you had no time for you but now you have too much time and it’s lonely. It’s a hard phase but perhaps shorter lived that you might realise if grandchildren come along so reframing how you think of this period in your life can help. This is your time.

It’s time for friends, new and old, time for courses, hobbies, some fun. Like any new phase in life it can be daunting, where do you start? Start small, create new routines, new downtime with  people. Volunteering can be very enjoyable and rewarding too so thinking outside the box at times might bring something very exciting to life in terms of socialising and ‘you’ time in a meaningful way rather than feeling ‘on your own!!’

Untrustworthy friends loneliness

This isn’t always easy to understand when you are in the middle of it. If you have friends that are leaving you out or you don’t trust them, therefore you cannot confide or share with them then it can really feel like a lonely place. It can be stressful and upsetting to contemplate letting go of ‘friends’ but there are many friends that are far from good for your mental health. Although hard, you might have to think about the cost to you long-term by remaining in this lonely place surrounded by lack of support.

You will make other friends, it’s understandable to feel fear around this but believe in yourself and see the value of your worth. This will hopefully ensure you do the best for you because you deserve only the best. 

Loneliness in relationship

This can occur in relationships that started off romantically but over time have broken down to little or no connection and you might be remaining together for children, finances or fear. Life is too short so, if you can, please talk to friends, family and external supports such as a counsellor or domestic abuse centre (if needs be) to get the help and support and strength you might need to get out.

This can be a difficult situation for many as there are many factors to take into consideration but your wellbeing both physically and mentally has to be priority.

It can be a lonely place in a relationship without connection and do remember that the loneliness of silent treatment is a form of punishment. Lastly on my list, but by no means least is the loneliness of depression, anxiety and mental health challenges. It can be so hard for people to put their experiences of this type of loneliness into words yet when they do it’s very powerful. Please know you are definitely not alone in feelings that you might have around this area of life.

Everyone is individual and all experiences are different but knowing others share similar challenges in their life journey can be helpful and there are many services out there to connect people including our wellness cafes. Talk, talk, talk, including to your GP for services in your area that can reduce your feeling of being alone in this experience. 

Whatever types of loneliness you are experiencing and there are many more than listed above – please don’t allow yourself to ‘suck it up’ - you will not know the value of connection until you start feeling it again, small steps, big rewards! Reach out or allow people to reach in, that hand of connection is worth its weight in gold....we are connecting for life and yours matters very much!

All good wishes, 

Tracy 

Anyone that needs a linkage to the local community for anxiety or loneliness please visit or call our Donegal social prescriber Carmel Gallagher 086 0406950. For more information on this service visit www.allirelandsocialprescribing.ie. On Facebook,  visit Donegal Wellness Cafes.